Weekending

[white_hart]

I had vague plans to sew the pyjama top I cut out last weekend and cut out a pair of yellow cord trousers this weekend, but in fact I have spent most of the last two days lying on my bed alternately reading undemanding books and dozing.

I did, however, finally get around to filling in the self-referral form for an autism diagnosis that I've been thinking about for at least 10 months. I also decided that I probably don't feel up to leaving a job I've been in for six and a half years, an organisation I've worked for for nearly 15 years, a house I've been living in for 16 years and a city I've lived in for 21 years all at one go, and I am therefore not going to apply for the job in Norwich, though I will keep an eye out for more local things.

And I managed two late-afternoon swims when, despite the weather having been unsettled all day, the lake was absolutely glorious in the light of the setting sun.

Comments

[wellinghall]

I would be very interested to learn how your autism diagnosis goes, if you don't mind sharing. It is something that I vaguely mean to do.

[white_hart]

I'm sure I'll write more about it as the process progresses! At the moment I've got a lot of screening questionnaires to fill in, and that will determine whether they put me on the waiting list which is apparently 6-12 months at the moment.

[wellinghall]

Thank you.

[mountainkiss]

Hello. Prob obvious disclaimer - please do not feel you have to answer if you prefer not to do so here / to me / at all, but wanted to ask: what is it that has made you seek this diagnosis?

[white_hart]

I've been wondering for several years now if I might be autistic, and while I know that self-diagnosis is utterly valid I find that I can't accept it for myself (there's always a bit of my brain that says I'm just trying to pretend I'm special rather than accepting that I'm just useless at life). For a long time I thought I'd just have to accept that but there is now an adult diagnosis service in Oxfordshire and you can self-refer rather than going via your GP, and that's made it feel easy enough that I feel able to deal with the process.

[mountainkiss]

Thank you!

Do you want to say anything about why you’ve thought this? Please don’t feel any pressure to do so esp in your space!

[white_hart]

Because I relate very strongly to the accounts of other autistic people, and "autism" actually seems to align much better with the collection of things I struggle with - particularly difficulties with social interaction, sensory issues around touch and loud noises, and a need for routine and/or careful planning - than the depression and anxiety I've previously been diagnosed with.

[mountainkiss]

Gotcha. That makes lots of sense. Thank you.

[mountainkiss]

Another q then, same caveats obvs. What would it mean to you to have a diagnosis? I know it isn't medicable. Would it change your experience of depression and anxiety? Would it change your relationship with therapeutic support? Or would you be interested in being more deeply embedded in a support community of people with similar experiences? Or just don't know?

[white_hart]

A lot of it is about wanting to feel that I can really claim to be part of the autistic community. Also, I think I would find it easier to live with being me, and perhaps to advocate for things that would make that easier, if I felt there was a valid reason for sometimes seeming to be at an angle to other people, rather than it just being because I'm not trying hard enough to align with them. But mostly, it would just be about understanding myself better.

[mountainkiss]

I hear you. Sending love to you xxx

[crinolinerobot]

Yeah, that would be a lot to leave all at once.